Wet Fish
25 October 2006I remember once, some years ago, when I introduced a friend of mine to a man I knew—the father of some other friends—who we happened to bump into. After we left, my friend commented that the man’s handshake was like a wet fish.
Well, less wet. But otherwise, I know what he means.
On the other hand, a month or two back, I shook hands with a man around my own age, who almost damaged my hand because I wasn’t expecting a vice on the other end.
My father taught me to shake hands firmly, because that’s what men do. So why is that? Although I do remember one young lady, daughter of a military family, who had the hardest grip in the large room full of people I was meeting that night, she is something of an exception. If one is old-fashioned enough, one expects to take a lady’s hand, not to shake it. In America, the capable, can-do frontier mentality (or something) broke down that distinction somewhat, though no doubt it survived in the big house on Southern plantations, and in the wealthier homes of the Northern metropolises. But I’ve never heard anyone comment negatively on a woman not having a strong handshake.
So why do we pick on men? I don’t know that there was anything especially unmanly about the older man I mentioned earlier, the one with a fish attached to his wrist. He may have had a tendency to be too harsh and too lenient, by turns, toward his kids; he was fairly easygoing otherwise. And he had a good, if wacky, sense of humor.
Mostly I think it must be a question of strength. If strength is a manly characteristic, a man’s greeting should communicate strength. A deep voice doesn’t hurt, nor does size or rippling muscle, but a thin wiry second tenor can catch your attention by looking you in the eye and shaking your hand like he means it. Older men especially seem to appreciate young boys who grasp this concept (and their hand) with straightforward manliness.
On the other side, I wonder, if gentleness is really a manly virtue, whether the bone-crunching grip of some men shows a lack of control, and is also a kind of failure?
(Bonus Question: What kind of wet fish?)
Just a slight correction to the facts: In the professional world, both men and women are expected to have a firm (but not vise-like) handshake. It communicates confidence and poise and… well… professionalism. It’s like ironing your shirt. One distinction between the genders I have noticed is that many men will still wait for a woman to offer her hand first.
Hand-crushing is definitely a failure of courtesy, to say the least. I refuse to get drawn into the courtesy question at this time of night.
First, a bit of speculation: If the handshake was initially designed to show you were not hiding any weapons in your hand, why do men wait for women to offer their hands? It would seem it would be the man’s responsibility to show he wasn’t intending to kill the lady before she would have to reveal she’s weaponless.
Back to the point. I don’t think a weak handshake is an indication of a character flaw, but rather a training flaw. A handshake is part of your image, but doesn’t usually reflect the state of your soul to that great an extent. A weak handshake means a lack of image-cultivation. An overly strong handshake, however, does usually indicate someone who feels the need to prove himself in a contest with whoever he’s shaking hands with, and is thus more often indicative of a character flaw.
I recall one time some years ago when I had gotten into a dispute with a girl I knew, and I had been told to apologize and shake hands. I engaged in a hand-crushing contest with the girl until the person who had told me to apologize noticed and stopped me. This was definitely a case of trying to exert my will through a handshake.
As to the issue of timing: To wait for someone to offer his/her hand first is a sign of respect for one’s betters – just like holding a door for the person or walking on his/her left. Presumably this fits with the “I don’t have a weapon” usage of handshakes in that the more powerful person in such an encounter, being in a more secure position, would offer his hand first.
As to your encounter with the young lady, V-Dawg: It seems the young lady’s training was somewhat lacking as well. Put in such a position, any self-respecting lady should take advantage of the clear shot she has and smack the man from here to tomorrow
.
About handshakes… Someone who shakes your hand firmly (but not in a vice-like fashion) is more apt to get my attention, especially if it is accompanied by eye to eye contact. It becomes a way of saying, “I am fully focused on you” VERSUS routinely shaking your hand while concentrating on the flower arrangement on the table or the moosehead over the fire place.” If I am correct (and I have not been monitering it, but may indeed henceforth pay more attention to the facet of social interaction), flimsy / weakgrippers (new words for someone’s personal vocabulary store) handshakers often lack focused attention… while as you say, the vicegrippers are focused on overpowering or crushing. Or maybe its sometimes simply a matter of one person who eats wheaties and another who is anemic
Men used to wait for the ladies to extend their hands then they would take it and bow, or kiss it but that varied. Wouldn’t that be an extension of the men-waiting-for-women handshake timeing?
I think… this blog
is pretty much….
dead.
or something.
http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail131.html